Is this all worth it?
I remember a time back when I had dreams and aspirations of going pro in poker. I chalked up getting a job for a summer and decided this was going to be a summer of me learning to see if I can make it. Even though I’d been playing “professionally” before, this was the first time where I had no other money filtering in and my means of living resided solely on my card playing ability. The end result was shocking to me. Why?
Net Total For June- 13,184.00$
Net Total For August- 10,964.00$
As I sit here reflecting over the numbers I can’t help think how in the world I did that. Let’s flash forward to the present July 2007. I’ve gone through a year and change of medical school, poker is a distant memory that’s fed vicariously through Fuel and Iak, and having seen subtle changes in myself, I can’t help but smile a bit. But am I really in love with medicine like I was with poker? The answer is simply no. In fact there are plenty of other things I’d rather be doing then learning about the intricacies of the human body. For me medicine is kind of the girl I’m dating right now but I’m not sure how much of a future we really have together. She on the other hand is determined to make a lasting marriage out of this even though I can’t see the white picket fence.
So why do I continue to string her along? I guess I hope that one day this really will all be worth it. Having lost an amazing relationship because of medical school, not to mention countless other events in people’s lives that I’m close too, I can’t help but feel angry and pissed off at times about the decisions I’ve made that have brought me here. In many aspects I regret ever stepping foot into this field.
Unfortunately I’m too far along for me not to see this through and I refuse to quit just because I’m going through a drought. As you can tell I’m not one of those people that were born to become a doctor. I didn’t have those dying desires as a child and that’s why I’m here today. In fact it’s the quite opposite.
I was pushed into the field because my mom being a doctor felt that it was the best choice for me. I could have gone to law school but I truly felt that career was just not for me the more I read about it and researched it. I know I could have gone into any field I desired but the problem was after finishing college I still didn’t have a clue as to what I wanted to do like most 20 something year olds. So here I am stuck in a profession that’s more demanding than a Rubik's Cube, questioning my decision and trying to re-glue my mistakes while hoping that by writing all this, I’ll find the answers I’m looking for. However, as I keep re-reading this nothing but contempt seems to spill over me for my soon to be wife, medicine. I hope that will ultimately change for both our sakes.
2 comments:
I was confused for a second because you usually color code your win / loss figures, and since your links are red, your wins that are linked look like losses.
Firstly, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the honesty. It's sad how few of us are willing to admit that we came into this for the wrong reasons and are paying for it with our lives until the day we decide to get out.
I hope you know that you are not the only one my friend, you are not the only one. If you are savvy enough to fake it till you get through school, good for you. It sure hasn't been easy for me.
Remember that you can leave whenever the time is right for you. Better sooner than later though. Decide on your deadline, make that promise to yourself, and then when the time comes, jump and DON'T LOOK BACK.
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